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Breezy Point Ain​’​t Breezy

from Blackity Black Black Is Beautiful by Fay Victor

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lyrics

With all this talk of race and place, privilege and class...sometimes the talk feels like talk. Feels like a numbing of the same words being used over and over again. Living a life of some privilege shields me from the confrontation outside the words and discourse. Youtube, Facebook and Twitter makes it feel sometimes like a never ending movie. The images roll into one another day after day. The numbing takes over. You’re in a trance of knowing but not seeing, really.

So a dear friend wants to spend a milestone birthday on the beach taking a walk together - a great idea in a pandemic. The weather for a Chrstmas Eve walk in New York City was a balmy 58 degrees. The joy to go, driving there in good spirits and making a turn that I didn’t know was wrong until I felt it. I felt the hues change to an undeniable whiteness that was alone and standout. As I drove it felt strange and the panic came to a head when I arrived at a dead end with the entrance to a surf club. There was nowhere else to go but back. Panicked, I called my host and they knew I was in the wrong place and told me to get out of there. I did. Carefully, within the speed limit as the fear and panic slowly left the clenching in my fingers, my hands loosened around the wheel. I could hear music again. When I felt safe, I pulled over to get my bearing, making it to my friend just 10 minutes later.

A joy to see friendly faces full of joy and love and we celebrated our dear friend!! When I got home, I felt a sadness come over me. I couldn’t push it away. It swept me up like a tornado and I sobbed for hours.

Christmas day I wake up feeling an overwhelming sadness, tears flow like a waterfall. Why the heaviness? Is it the year of 2020, finally crashing down its tension in my body and psyche, as I take a break? Or was it that brief visit to Breezy Point. where I confronted the fear I’ve been reading and seeing from afar. Nothing happened but I was so aware that it could at any moment.

Breezy Point ain't Breezy. Breezy Point ain't Breezy. No, no.

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from Blackity Black Black Is Beautiful, track released June 16, 2023

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Fay Victor Brooklyn, New York

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